I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
