I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
