My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I need a beard to bite.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
