Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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