Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
