U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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