Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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