I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
