So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
