you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
