Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
