the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
