once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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