did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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