Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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