I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
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