I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
