Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
try to milk me bitch
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
