he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
