i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
someone owes me an orgasm
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Terrible idea I love it
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
