girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
