he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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