I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
