im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
