I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
