I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
