What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Sorry about my life...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
