he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Sober January is a disaster.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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