I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
