Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
