he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
