Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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