I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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