then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize