The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
