So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
