It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
