OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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