brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
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