Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
you didnt know i had herpes?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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