he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
