I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
