a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
He uses pillows to masturbate.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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