I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
