Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
