ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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