There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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