I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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