had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
