I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
