Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
