i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
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