I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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