Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize