peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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