Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
